Confidence and self-esteem in teenagers can change a lot during adolescence, and parents may notice this in many different ways.
When a parent says, “My teenager has no confidence”, they may be noticing more than one thing.
Perhaps their teenager has become increasingly self-critical, compares themselves with other people, avoids situations where they might get something wrong or worries a lot about what other people think.
You might notice changes in their body language too. They may keep their head down, avoid eye contact, cover themselves up more or seem to be trying not to draw attention to themselves.
Confidence and self-esteem can change a lot during the teenage years. Sometimes those changes are obvious. At other times a teenager can appear confident on the outside while feeling very differently about themselves underneath.
The good news is that parents can play an important role in helping teenagers develop a healthier and more balanced view of themselves.
Confidence is not always what it looks like
A teenager can appear confident on the outside while feeling very differently about themselves underneath.
Confidence and self-esteem are not always the same thing
We often use confidence and self-esteem to mean similar things.
Confidence can sometimes be what we see on the outside. A teenager might appear confident speaking to people, trying something new or joining in socially.
Self-esteem is more about how they feel about themselves internally.
A teenager can therefore look confident and still be very self-critical.
Equally, someone who is quiet or shy does not necessarily have low self-esteem.
The important thing is to look at the individual teenager and notice whether something has changed.
Why can confidence change during the teenage years?
The teenage years involve a lot of change.
Young people are developing their identity, becoming more aware of how other people see them and working out where they fit within friendships and social groups.
Their appearance is changing too.
At the same time, they are surrounded by comparison.
That can make confidence and self-esteem feel much less stable than they may have been during childhood.
Comparison is everywhere
Comparison is not new.
Previous generations compared themselves with people at school, people in magazines or people they saw on television.
Teenagers today can have those comparisons in their hands throughout the day.
Social media can mean seeing friends, influencers, celebrities and carefully selected versions of other people’s lives every time they pick up their phone.
Even when a teenager understands that images may be edited or that people tend to share their best moments, the comparison can still affect how they feel about themselves.
They may begin comparing their appearance, friendships, clothes, lifestyle, popularity or achievements.
Over time, they can start noticing everything they think other people have that they do not.
Appearance and self-image
Appearance can become particularly important during adolescence.
If your teenager says:
“I hate the way I look.”
“Everyone else looks better than me.”
“I look awful.”
the natural instinct may be to immediately reassure them.
You might say:
“You are more beautiful than them.”
or:
“Looks don’t matter.”
Both responses come from wanting to make them feel better.
But “you’re more beautiful than them” keeps the focus on comparison, while “looks don’t matter” may not feel believable when appearance feels very important in their world.
Instead, try to understand what is behind the statement.
You could say:
“I don’t see you that way at all, but it sounds like you really feel that way right now. Can you tell me what has made you feel like this?”
You are making it clear that you do not agree with the negative statement while still giving them space to explain where it has come from.
Instead of
“You’re more beautiful than them.”
“Looks don’t matter.”
Try this
“I don’t see you that way at all, but it sounds like you really feel that way right now. Can you tell me what has made you feel like this?”
What we say about appearance matters too
Teenagers listen to much more than what we say directly to them.
They also hear how we talk about ourselves and other people.
Comments such as:
“I feel so fat today.”
“I look terrible.”
“She’s really let herself go.”
may seem like ordinary adult conversation, but they can reinforce the message that appearance is something we should constantly judge.
Try to notice the language used around appearance at home.
This does not mean you can never give your teenager a compliment about how they look.
Appearance compliments are fine.
Try to make them specific and positive without focusing on weight or particular body parts.
For example:
“That colour really suits you.”
“You look really nice today.”
Then balance appearance-based compliments with noticing all the other things you value about them.
Think about the messages they hear
- how you talk about your own appearance
- comments about other people’s looks
- compliments focused only on appearance
- comparisons between people
Praise who they are, not only what they achieve
General praise still matters.
There is nothing wrong with telling your teenager that they are wonderful or that you are proud of them.
But specific praise can often feel more believable.
Instead of only saying:
“You’re amazing.”
you might say:
“I noticed you kept going with that even when you were frustrated.”
“You were really kind to your friend today.”
“I liked how you handled that.”
“You were nervous, but you still gave it a go.”
Notice effort.
Notice kindness.
Notice humour.
Notice creativity.
Notice courage.
Notice persistence.
Teenagers need opportunities to see that their value is not dependent on how they look, how popular they are or what grade they achieve.
Effort
Kindness
Courage
Persistence
Notice humour, creativity and the way they handle difficult situations too.
Confidence grows through experience
Confidence does not usually grow because somebody repeatedly tells us to be confident.
It grows through experience.
Trying something.
Finding it difficult.
Making a mistake.
Trying again.
Realising that we coped.
As parents, it can be difficult to watch your teenager struggle.
You may want to step in and make things easier for them.
Sometimes that is exactly what they need.
But if we step in too quickly every time something becomes difficult, they may miss opportunities to discover what they can manage for themselves.
Resilience is an important part of confidence.
Support them, but allow space for them to try.
Mistakes are part of learning
Stay calm.
Everyone makes mistakes.
A mistake is not evidence that they cannot do something.
Focus on what they can learn for next time.
Friendships and belonging matter
Friendships can have an enormous impact on teenage confidence.
Teenagers spend a large part of their lives around their peers.
They are with them at school, they may spend time together outside school and they are often still connected online when they come home.
A friendship fallout, feeling left out or worrying that they do not fit in can therefore affect much more than one small part of their day.
Something that seems like a minor friendship problem to an adult may feel huge to the teenager experiencing it.
Try not to dismiss it.
“You’ll make new friends.”
“They’re not worth worrying about.”
“It’s only a silly argument.”
may be intended to reassure them, but it can make them feel that you do not understand how important the situation is.
Listen first.
You can help them work out what to do later.
Do not dismiss friendship problems
What feels small from an adult perspective may affect their whole school day, social life and sense of belonging.
Be careful with comparisons at home
Comparison does not only happen online or at school.
It can happen at home too.
Try to avoid comparing one child with another.
Comments about who gets better grades, who has more friends, who is more confident or who finds something easier can quietly reinforce the idea that one sibling is doing better than another.
Even comparisons intended to motivate can have the opposite effect.
Each teenager has their own strengths, difficulties and pace of development.
Be careful with jokes too
Something that was funny when your child was younger may not feel funny now.
Teenagers can become much more aware of how other people see them.
Jokes about appearance, being shy, being awkward, being sensitive or not having many friends can begin to land differently.
Where possible, avoid making your teenager the subject of the joke.
If you realise something you have said has hurt them, apologise.
You can explain that you did not mean it in that way, but try not to argue with them about whether they should have been upset.
If they are not ready to accept the apology, give them some space.
Try this instead
Sometimes small changes in language can make it easier for a teenager to stay in the conversation.
Instead of
“Don’t be silly.”
Try this
“I can see this is really affecting you. Do you want to tell me more?”
“You’re prettier than them.”
“It sounds like you’re comparing yourself a lot at the moment. What is making you feel that way?”
“Your sister never worries about this.”
“I know this feels difficult for you. Let’s think about what might help.”
Small steps can build confidence
Pushing a teenager too far outside their comfort zone can sometimes increase anxiety rather than build confidence.
Instead, think in small steps.
If they are anxious about joining something new, perhaps the first step is finding out more about it.
The next might be visiting the place.
The next might be attending for a short time.
Confidence can build gradually as the teenager experiences themselves managing things that previously felt difficult.
Small steps still count.
If anxiety is part of what is holding them back, you can also read my guide on How to Help a Teenager With Anxiety.
Find out more
Try one manageable step
Build gradually
Achievement is only one part of who they are
School performance can affect confidence, but this varies enormously between teenagers.
For some, getting a lower grade than expected can feel devastating.
For others, school achievement may not be particularly important to how they see themselves.
If your teenager’s confidence seems strongly connected to achievement, make an effort to notice things outside grades and results.
Praise effort.
Praise how they dealt with disappointment.
Notice when they help somebody.
Notice when they show determination.
Notice the things that make them who they are, not only the things they achieve.
Notice more than results
Effort
Kindness
Determination
Courage
How they manage disappointment
Interests can help build identity.
Having an interest that feels like their own can be good for confidence.
That could be sport, art, music, gaming, animals, reading, volunteering or something completely different.
It gives a teenager another part of their identity beyond school, appearance and friendships.
But not every teenager has the capacity or desire to take on hobbies or organised activities.
Try not to turn “find a hobby” into another expectation they feel they are failing to meet.
An interest can be valuable when it genuinely belongs to them.
Notice without constantly pointing it out
Sometimes low confidence is visible in body language.
Your teenager may cover themselves up more, avoid eye contact, keep their head down or try not to be noticed.
Take note of those changes.
Look for patterns.
But avoid commenting on every behaviour you notice.
Being repeatedly told:
“Why won’t you look at me?”
“Why are you hiding?”
“Why do you always wear that?”
may make them even more conscious of themselves.
Notice first.
Then look at the wider picture.
Notice the pattern
Take note of changes without making your teenager feel watched or scrutinised.
What if they reject your compliments?
Sometimes you tell your teenager something positive and they immediately dismiss it.
“You have to say that because you’re my mum.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“That’s not true.”
Try not to turn it into an argument.
You do not need to convince them to accept the compliment.
You might say:
“I know it can be hard to believe nice things about yourself sometimes.”
If it feels appropriate, you might briefly add:
“I used to feel like that too.”
Then bring the focus back to them.
The aim is to help them feel understood, not to prove that you are right.
When should parents become more concerned?
It is normal for teenagers to have moments of insecurity.
One bad day or one negative comment about themselves does not automatically mean something is seriously wrong.
Look for patterns.
You may want to seek additional support if you notice:
- self-critical thoughts becoming much more frequent
- persistent avoidance
- regularly missing out on things they would previously have wanted to do
- increasing anxiety
- withdrawing from friendships or having very little social contact
- self-harm
- a significant change in how they see or talk about themselves
If that avoidance is beginning to affect school attendance, you may also want to read my guide to school avoidance in teenagers.
The important things to notice are persistence, escalation and the impact on everyday life.
Some of these changes can also overlap with anxiety, so you may find my guide to Signs of Anxiety in Teenagers useful.
Look for
Persistence
Escalation
Impact on everyday life
Parent reflection: What messages are they hearing from me?
This is not a test and there is no score.
Use Mostly yes / Sometimes / Not yet.
I avoid comparing my teenager with siblings or other young people.
☐ Mostly yes ☐ Sometimes ☐ Not yet
I notice strengths outside appearance and achievement.
☐ Mostly yes ☐ Sometimes ☐ Not yet
I avoid regularly criticising my own appearance in front of them.
☐ Mostly yes ☐ Sometimes ☐ Not yet
I give specific praise as well as general praise.
☐ Mostly yes ☐ Sometimes ☐ Not yet
I give them opportunities to try things for themselves rather than always stepping in.
☐ Mostly yes ☐ Sometimes ☐ Not yet
I take friendship difficulties seriously.
☐ Mostly yes ☐ Sometimes ☐ Not yet
I avoid jokes about their appearance, awkwardness or sensitivity.
☐ Mostly yes ☐ Sometimes ☐ Not yet
I notice changes and patterns without constantly pointing them out.
☐ Mostly yes ☐ Sometimes ☐ Not yet
You do not need to answer “Mostly yes” to everything.
The purpose is simply to notice what you are already doing and where you might want to make a small change.
How can counselling help with confidence and self-esteem?
Sometimes low confidence is part of a wider picture involving anxiety, bullying, friendships, comparison, self-criticism or other difficulties.
Counselling gives a teenager a space to explore those feelings without needing to protect other people from them or immediately find the right answer.
It can help them begin to understand where some of their beliefs about themselves have come from, notice patterns in the way they think about themselves and develop a more balanced view of who they are.
The aim is not to turn every teenager into somebody who appears outwardly confident.
It is to help them feel more comfortable with who they are and more able to manage the situations that currently make them doubt themselves.
If you would like extra support
If you are concerned about your teenager’s confidence or self-esteem and would like to explore counselling, you can find out more about Child & Young Person Counselling at Empowering Minds or book an online consultation.
Urgent support
If your teenager is self-harming, talking about suicide or you are concerned about their safety, take this seriously and seek appropriate support.
If they are in immediate danger, have seriously harmed themselves or you cannot keep them safe, call 999 or go to A&E.
For urgent mental health support that is not an immediate emergency, contact NHS 111 and select the mental health option.
